My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
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The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.