one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
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If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up