@YayForJam: Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
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@dumbbeezie: I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you
@SortaBad: How to sleep: 1. Lay down 2. Dim lights 3. Dwell about literally every mistake you've made in your life for 6 hours 4. Rest for 9 minutes
@andizeisler: Guys, I came of age in the 1970s, when people picked up and murdered hitchhikers, so I didn't realize that murdering hitchhikers was wrong
@daemonic3: "Is this your resume?" Yes "It just says you used to leave shit at your friends' doors, ring the bell & run away?" Yes "Welcome to UPS!"