Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
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5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.