Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
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[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
first you must answer his riddles
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
LOOOOOOL
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.