Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!