They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!