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Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
no such thing as a dumb question
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.