Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
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My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Haha good job!!
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”