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I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
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My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby