GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
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Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red