Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
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A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
had to share :’)
Oh, I bet you would be
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH