“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
You Might Also Like
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol