“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
You Might Also Like
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Merry Christmas
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk