The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“Why you watching this shit?”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
you stereotypes are all alike
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️