Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
You Might Also Like
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!