Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
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[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!