Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
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I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Wanna get rich?
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911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.