Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
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[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
LOL!
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
No way!
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.