Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
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It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
*sewing*
A thread
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.