[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.