If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
My safe word is Worcestershire
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked