@WineMummy: Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
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@BoutCrazed: Hey Febreze, I don't go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
@gingerfaced: I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
@ewfeez: [wife walks in on me rubbing coconut oil all over my body] What are you doing? "Uhh, SOMEONE said I don't glisten very well?"