@WineMummy: Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
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@daemonic3: Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming "But dad we're goldfish" Oh yeah, I forgot "Forgot what?"
@OtherDanOBrien: ME: (signing) What color are apples? BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
@MissyBell71: When someone asks me, "Is this seat saved?" I like to say "No, but we're still praying for it" and I laugh because chairs are like, dead.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at restaurant] Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine's Day! How many? Me: Just one, thanks. Wife (clears throat): Two.