Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
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You look like you would fail a DNA test
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
🤣🤣🤣
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones