@funnyordie: Want to make a nerd's head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write "Where's Captain Kirk?" in the comments.
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@mattgallo123: My third bottle of wine was able to "breathe" for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
@CroweJam: My wife's favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
@KizerBillhelm: My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I'm blinded by whiteness.
@my_minivan_life: Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.