Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
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Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.