Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Room with a view.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back