Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display