Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
You Might Also Like
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Inside you there are two wolves
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Jail