Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
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Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious