Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
You Might Also Like
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume