ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
You Might Also Like
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Every time.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?