When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
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Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.