Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
You Might Also Like
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off