Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
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I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos