WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
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*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER