@BigOlBossman: WAITER: soup or salad? CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it...

@bacon_gillepic: Y’all keep saying Columbus was a bad dude and he shouldn’t had a day, but y’all need to shut up because I like getting mattresses on sale

@JillBidenVeep: Not pictured: Joe waiting outside the door in his karate uniform ready to spring into action.

@abbycohenwl: *pulls motorist over* COP: Are you high? MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree? *one leaf silently falls from cop*

@fro_vo: [job interview] Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word Me: yes i've heard that word many times