WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
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Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
So, can we agree on 4 or
Watermelon Boss!
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.