@hippocroteez: WANTED: Good looking girl to jog in front of me while I run. Can't be fast.
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@1Happytwit: HR said I'm not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I'm supposed to use though, they wouldn't tell me.
@DainWins: [Driving w/date in car] Date [turns radio to country] Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn't working. [Hits eject button]
@jonnysun: grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i'd see her again me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road