My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
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Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type