Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
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the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.