@JamieGreenlees: Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I'm making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo's.
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@kwirkyKerri: Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor's recycling bins. So the garbage men don't think it's just me.
@Book_Krazy: Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means? Me: That it's only Wednesday
@murrman5: "when people say different color bell peppers taste different" [doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
@aka_fatman: "...so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive." "Eat human corpses?" [flashback to eating quinoa] "Y...yes."