Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
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Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
No Google it does not
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.