[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
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I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
#NeverForget
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.