my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
You Might Also Like
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo