[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach