🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
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The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.