Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
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Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
🤣
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”