Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
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My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
wow
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.