Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
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I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.