Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
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Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
This a good idea
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread