Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
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Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t