*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
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Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.