War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
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My brain is a bad influence on me
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…